Hey my peeps I be been telling a little life story on R2R and I’m gonna attempt moving it over to here I hope you all follow along as it’s a insight as to how reefing helped heal a broken spirit. And the fact that ALL of you in NJRC played a part in it
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A little bit about me
- Thread starter Paulie 069
- Start date
Having lil trouble figuring out how to move it over , not good at copy paste thing yet but working on it
Phone
quick double tap or hold down with your favorite finger text should turn blue. <move sliders to highlight what you want copied /copy text then were you want it to stay double tap then hit paste.. some web pages do not allow you to do this. if you can not get it to work let me know..
Ok so a lot of you may have read yesterday’s post and it was more like blowing off steam and the love n support I received from my fellow reefers was the one thing that made me smile while spend 18+hrs on a emergency call
Well today started off great so far,, I went to local gas station to get gas and noticed that the old guy pumping my gas was shivering very hard,, I go pretty chilly n windy today huh buddy,, he says heck yeah it is , my zipper broke on my hoodie jacket plus it’s still damp from the rain yesterday, and even worse is my spare one I left here is missing
Without even thinking twice ,, I took off my insulated hoodie and gave it to him,, almost Immediately he started to tear up n goes I can’t take your hoodie then you’ll be cold all day,, I go no worries brother I just live 2 minutes away I’ll just go get another one,, he actually wept n gave me a hug while thanking me over and over again I just said it cool God Bless you,, then I drove away
My mother made it her mission to make sure I had empathy and compassion and respect,, if you have those 3 traits your life will have meaning
Well for some reason I’m up so might as well let you all have a peek into the life of Paulie
Guess I’ll start with childhood.....
As a little kid growing up it sucked real bad my father was very very abusive and violent, he used to beat me on a daily basis bout 5 out of 7 days minimum, I recall being 4yrs old and another beating was on its way , he took off his belt wrapped it around his hand 3x and still had 3 feet of leather hanging down with big butt buckle dangling from the end, I remember seeing the lights bouncing off it and looked like it was sparkling. Then in blink of an eye CRACK all I saw was black with a white ring as the buckle went upside my head, I could hear my mother screaming "stop hitting him he’s just a baby he’s bleeding out his ear. Then he turned around and hit my mother saying mind your own business unless you want a beating too,, then turned his attention back in me and started whipping me with the belt again while screaming at me to stop crying (Duh)
All I remember after that was crying myself to sleep
Well that’s the first solid memory I have on my childhood and ther were so many after that it’s mostly a blurr for next 4 years up to age 8
Well that’s all for now but your mind will spin as I continue with my story But I like to say that at least it taught me what not to be when I had my kids, I’ve never laid a violent hand on them ever as I would never want them to have a memory like this. More to come
Well don’t know who actually is going to be reading this thread but I’m just gonna continue to tell my story. So I left off at 4yrs old and it was like that until I was 8-9 years old. And that’s just how it was with daily physical abuse and lots of mental abuse ie: your worthless, stupid, a mistake, never wanted you to begin with,ect ect. Let’s move on to school, another miserable experience,, I was a big kid not like marshmallow squishy fat,, but looked old enough to be your dad was very tall for my age and chunky but extremely strong for my age(probably because of the beatings). But I was actually picked on and teased was know as kid with all the bruises and ripped clothes, but it didn’t faze Me much as I could easily kick their butt without even breathing heavy. Every time I got in a fight I would beat the person the way my father beat me,, I would actually just black out and keep pounding his face until a teacher tackled me to break it up and I broke his arm in one shot
So the kid goes to hospital and so does the teacher( they shared an ambulance)
That was 6th grade,,, To be honest it’s time to take a break from my story as keyboard is getting blurry and stupid lump In my throat
Well seems like easy day today so I figured I’d continue my story
So on to middle school and high school,,, I was a very bad student never listened to teachers always fighting and being suspended,, was kicked out of 2 middle schools and 1 high school before turning 16.
When I hit 16 they expelled me one day after my birthday and that was the end of school. I’ve always pounded into my children’s head that my biggest regret in life was screwing up my education. My daughter listened but that’s later in the saga of a look into my life. Anyway there I was kicked out of school No education to speak of and not a clue what to do next
Anyway I came up with the idea of joining the Army,, so I went to local recruiter and joined, I filled out my paperwork honestly and put my right birthday but the recruiter was either bad at math or never looked at my birth date. So off to boot camp I went, wow what an eye opener it was ,, I was scared out my mind being there it was so intimidating. Well they actually made me a squad leader in charge of 17 men much older than me( nobody knew I was only 16)
That blew my mind but I shined in my duty’s as a leader, I have an expert badge for m-16 Eiffel and also expert badge in hand gernade throwing ,, one time on on the rifle range we’re doing target practice and we’re supposed to be only doing one shot at a time,, well a small flock of geese we’re flying by overhead and I stood up and put my weapon on auto and emptied the magazine clip trying to shoot them. In the blink of an eye the drill sergeant tackled me and kicked my butt, I had a vision of my dad hitting me and almost knocked him out. For those actions was fined 400 dollars and a repemend was on my record. So after 7 weeks in just short of graduating and before my AIT started somebody must off finally looked at my birthdate because they called me into the office and ask me “how old are you”. It was August and I say proudly
“I’ll be 17 in November “ the drill sergeants eyes popped out of his head like in a cartoon. He ask what the heck you doing here and I go “being all I can be” The next thing I know 3 days later I’m in front of this official board of very important looking people. They basically said if you sign this paper stating you were never here we’ll give you this check for 5000 dollars. I was like sure as it was still summer and I was lil homesick anyway I signed it and had a great end of summer at the beach with my peeps
I was at Fort Leonard Wood Missouri in barracks A33 But the only proof I have that I was there are some pictures I have from bootcamp with people in my barracks and the head shot they do when u join dressed in your formal uniform,, I’ll post pics when I get home
We’ll that’s that part ,, now as I reach adulthood is when this story blows up and get into something’s I’m not proud of but feel like it helped me to become the man I am today. ,,, To be continued,,,,
I just wanna say that there are a bunch of good memories from my childhood it wasn’t all doom and gloom I definitely loved my grandparents oddly enough they were from my dads side,,,But they always took me to the beach every weekend both days sat and sun we would get there so early nobody else was there yet and be last to leave long day but I loved it,, so not all bad,, but it’s just getting started,, so hold on it’s gonna get bumpy depending how much I’m gonna tell
Promised @rev I’d keep it PG. maybe PG-13
Ok so I left off with bootcamp and now is when things get a little darker,, so I’m 16 with pocket full of cash and it’s summer so I’m sure you can see where this is going
I’ve had dabbled in drugs a little bit in the past as a teenager but things were about to get out of control. It was summer of 85, and cocaine was running rampant ,, and was real pure n cheap and I remember being up 3-4 days at a clip just packing my nose with as much powder as possible, after awhile it was not doing the trick anymore, wasn’t killing my feelings and memory as much as I wanted,, I just wanted to bury my childhood as deep as possible wishing all along I would just OD and get it over with. I became obsessed with this thought for very long time. I can recall one night I’m in a hotel room with these three girls partying for days
I had cooked up an ounce of freebase ( was before crack) and we just kept smoking and smoking for days not even getting dressed or anything, after 2 days a buddy pops in with some angel dust PCP and some acid tabs. I remember I’m smoking free base then I smoke 2 angel dust joints n eat 3-4 tabs of acid. Last thing I remember clearly is saying in my head “ yea this should do it I’m finally gonna be free” well I was wrong,, I guess I OD and the ambulance was able to get me to hospital quick enough and I woke up 4 days later in a bed with tubes in wires everywhere. I started crying and a nurse ran in my room and asked if I was ok. I sad “ No I’m not ok I’m supposed to be dead what gives you people the right to take that away from me” After that I was a wreak taking anything I could to be numb
Moving on to 18 I started dealing tons of weight in weed n come I was making so much money I bought a 88 IROC convertible brand new off showroom floor,, I remember one time getting pulled over in town (all cops knew me) and cop goes know why I pulled you over, I said no then he goes ,, I work 60hrs a week and don’t have a car this nice,, I go well you should get a better job then you wanna work for me?? That didn’t go so good and I was in jail that night till mom bailed me out
Things continued like that for a year and at 19.5 The cops raided my house but only found an ounce of pot. The real bad thing was this was the time they came out with the school zone law 1000ft thing My mothers house was 946ft from zone so I went to state prison for two years no questions asked no probation no excuses two years and that’s that. When the other guys in jail asked me why I was ther I’d tell em. 54ft ,,,,, gonna stop here only a couple more bad years till EVERYTHING CHANGES for the better.
Hope someone is following along
God bless have great day
Well today started off great so far,, I went to local gas station to get gas and noticed that the old guy pumping my gas was shivering very hard,, I go pretty chilly n windy today huh buddy,, he says heck yeah it is , my zipper broke on my hoodie jacket plus it’s still damp from the rain yesterday, and even worse is my spare one I left here is missing
Without even thinking twice ,, I took off my insulated hoodie and gave it to him,, almost Immediately he started to tear up n goes I can’t take your hoodie then you’ll be cold all day,, I go no worries brother I just live 2 minutes away I’ll just go get another one,, he actually wept n gave me a hug while thanking me over and over again I just said it cool God Bless you,, then I drove away
My mother made it her mission to make sure I had empathy and compassion and respect,, if you have those 3 traits your life will have meaning
Well for some reason I’m up so might as well let you all have a peek into the life of Paulie
Guess I’ll start with childhood.....
As a little kid growing up it sucked real bad my father was very very abusive and violent, he used to beat me on a daily basis bout 5 out of 7 days minimum, I recall being 4yrs old and another beating was on its way , he took off his belt wrapped it around his hand 3x and still had 3 feet of leather hanging down with big butt buckle dangling from the end, I remember seeing the lights bouncing off it and looked like it was sparkling. Then in blink of an eye CRACK all I saw was black with a white ring as the buckle went upside my head, I could hear my mother screaming "stop hitting him he’s just a baby he’s bleeding out his ear. Then he turned around and hit my mother saying mind your own business unless you want a beating too,, then turned his attention back in me and started whipping me with the belt again while screaming at me to stop crying (Duh)
All I remember after that was crying myself to sleep
Well that’s the first solid memory I have on my childhood and ther were so many after that it’s mostly a blurr for next 4 years up to age 8
Well that’s all for now but your mind will spin as I continue with my story But I like to say that at least it taught me what not to be when I had my kids, I’ve never laid a violent hand on them ever as I would never want them to have a memory like this. More to come
Well don’t know who actually is going to be reading this thread but I’m just gonna continue to tell my story. So I left off at 4yrs old and it was like that until I was 8-9 years old. And that’s just how it was with daily physical abuse and lots of mental abuse ie: your worthless, stupid, a mistake, never wanted you to begin with,ect ect. Let’s move on to school, another miserable experience,, I was a big kid not like marshmallow squishy fat,, but looked old enough to be your dad was very tall for my age and chunky but extremely strong for my age(probably because of the beatings). But I was actually picked on and teased was know as kid with all the bruises and ripped clothes, but it didn’t faze Me much as I could easily kick their butt without even breathing heavy. Every time I got in a fight I would beat the person the way my father beat me,, I would actually just black out and keep pounding his face until a teacher tackled me to break it up and I broke his arm in one shot
So the kid goes to hospital and so does the teacher( they shared an ambulance)
That was 6th grade,,, To be honest it’s time to take a break from my story as keyboard is getting blurry and stupid lump In my throat
Well seems like easy day today so I figured I’d continue my story
So on to middle school and high school,,, I was a very bad student never listened to teachers always fighting and being suspended,, was kicked out of 2 middle schools and 1 high school before turning 16.
When I hit 16 they expelled me one day after my birthday and that was the end of school. I’ve always pounded into my children’s head that my biggest regret in life was screwing up my education. My daughter listened but that’s later in the saga of a look into my life. Anyway there I was kicked out of school No education to speak of and not a clue what to do next
Anyway I came up with the idea of joining the Army,, so I went to local recruiter and joined, I filled out my paperwork honestly and put my right birthday but the recruiter was either bad at math or never looked at my birth date. So off to boot camp I went, wow what an eye opener it was ,, I was scared out my mind being there it was so intimidating. Well they actually made me a squad leader in charge of 17 men much older than me( nobody knew I was only 16)
That blew my mind but I shined in my duty’s as a leader, I have an expert badge for m-16 Eiffel and also expert badge in hand gernade throwing ,, one time on on the rifle range we’re doing target practice and we’re supposed to be only doing one shot at a time,, well a small flock of geese we’re flying by overhead and I stood up and put my weapon on auto and emptied the magazine clip trying to shoot them. In the blink of an eye the drill sergeant tackled me and kicked my butt, I had a vision of my dad hitting me and almost knocked him out. For those actions was fined 400 dollars and a repemend was on my record. So after 7 weeks in just short of graduating and before my AIT started somebody must off finally looked at my birthdate because they called me into the office and ask me “how old are you”. It was August and I say proudly
“I’ll be 17 in November “ the drill sergeants eyes popped out of his head like in a cartoon. He ask what the heck you doing here and I go “being all I can be” The next thing I know 3 days later I’m in front of this official board of very important looking people. They basically said if you sign this paper stating you were never here we’ll give you this check for 5000 dollars. I was like sure as it was still summer and I was lil homesick anyway I signed it and had a great end of summer at the beach with my peeps
I was at Fort Leonard Wood Missouri in barracks A33 But the only proof I have that I was there are some pictures I have from bootcamp with people in my barracks and the head shot they do when u join dressed in your formal uniform,, I’ll post pics when I get home
We’ll that’s that part ,, now as I reach adulthood is when this story blows up and get into something’s I’m not proud of but feel like it helped me to become the man I am today. ,,, To be continued,,,,
I just wanna say that there are a bunch of good memories from my childhood it wasn’t all doom and gloom I definitely loved my grandparents oddly enough they were from my dads side,,,But they always took me to the beach every weekend both days sat and sun we would get there so early nobody else was there yet and be last to leave long day but I loved it,, so not all bad,, but it’s just getting started,, so hold on it’s gonna get bumpy depending how much I’m gonna tell
Promised @rev I’d keep it PG. maybe PG-13
Ok so I left off with bootcamp and now is when things get a little darker,, so I’m 16 with pocket full of cash and it’s summer so I’m sure you can see where this is going
I’ve had dabbled in drugs a little bit in the past as a teenager but things were about to get out of control. It was summer of 85, and cocaine was running rampant ,, and was real pure n cheap and I remember being up 3-4 days at a clip just packing my nose with as much powder as possible, after awhile it was not doing the trick anymore, wasn’t killing my feelings and memory as much as I wanted,, I just wanted to bury my childhood as deep as possible wishing all along I would just OD and get it over with. I became obsessed with this thought for very long time. I can recall one night I’m in a hotel room with these three girls partying for days
I had cooked up an ounce of freebase ( was before crack) and we just kept smoking and smoking for days not even getting dressed or anything, after 2 days a buddy pops in with some angel dust PCP and some acid tabs. I remember I’m smoking free base then I smoke 2 angel dust joints n eat 3-4 tabs of acid. Last thing I remember clearly is saying in my head “ yea this should do it I’m finally gonna be free” well I was wrong,, I guess I OD and the ambulance was able to get me to hospital quick enough and I woke up 4 days later in a bed with tubes in wires everywhere. I started crying and a nurse ran in my room and asked if I was ok. I sad “ No I’m not ok I’m supposed to be dead what gives you people the right to take that away from me” After that I was a wreak taking anything I could to be numb
Moving on to 18 I started dealing tons of weight in weed n come I was making so much money I bought a 88 IROC convertible brand new off showroom floor,, I remember one time getting pulled over in town (all cops knew me) and cop goes know why I pulled you over, I said no then he goes ,, I work 60hrs a week and don’t have a car this nice,, I go well you should get a better job then you wanna work for me?? That didn’t go so good and I was in jail that night till mom bailed me out
Things continued like that for a year and at 19.5 The cops raided my house but only found an ounce of pot. The real bad thing was this was the time they came out with the school zone law 1000ft thing My mothers house was 946ft from zone so I went to state prison for two years no questions asked no probation no excuses two years and that’s that. When the other guys in jail asked me why I was ther I’d tell em. 54ft ,,,,, gonna stop here only a couple more bad years till EVERYTHING CHANGES for the better.
Hope someone is following along
God bless have great day
Last edited by a moderator:
Ok left off with going to prison and I don’t wanna dwell on it but I did use the time wisely I went to school and got my diploma from the Nj state prison system doesn’t sound glamorous but at least I got it ,, was in some fights did a little time in the hole ( jail inside of jail) and saw my share of racial tensions, I truly believe that jail saved my life but o still had few good years of screw ups left in me
When I got out I was on parole for a year and part of it was I had to go to AA meetings every day,, I didn’t mind because it was like a tinder before there was tinder,, I hooked up so many times because the women had nothing else to do because they stopped drinking but kept making bad decisions,, I’m shocked I didn’t get any STDs came out clean as a whistle lol I also was dating my parole officer which made things easy on me and as soon as parole was over I never called her again (she was 44 I was 21)
So after all that I moved up north with my cousin and met the most awesome girl ever and fell in love,, but I still didn’t know how to be a good boyfriend and was ******* everything that walked by and said ok let’s do it, hey I’m a guy,, so let’s go baby. She got sick of my screwing around and dumped me after year n half(shocked lasted that long)
Well I was actually crushed even though it was my falt for being such a pig and I knew it but didn’t care as long as I was getting some. After the breakup I went into a drug bundle that lasted another two years
I felt that was only thing that loved me was,,,,drugs n booze oh my,,,,Till one day I got arrested for
Drunk driving
No insurance
No registration
The plates on car were stolen from a car in parking lot of some supermarket
And a bottle of whiskey half gone
Well next morning I woke up at home( have no idea how I got there) with a stack of charges thick as a phone book,, I decide I gotta go so I called a buddy In Utah and went to stay with him for awhile to let things settle down. Big mistake as Utah was like a candy store for me
I’ll take a break here n continue my story later
Much love my reef peeps/ thank you for letting me babble on about my horrible first half of life,, it gets lots better soon
So I wanna backtrack a little and tell you about my mother,, I loved her so much she was my rock,, probably because she protected me from a bunch of beatings by laying across me while my father was whipping me ( was only way to make him stop) and no matter how much trouble I got in school she loved me even harder Mom was only person to make me feel safe and loved. She had awesome sense of humor and I’m sure is the one that put the love of the ocean in me, boy she loved to swim and bodysurf for hours with me,, those were great times I miss her so much, and to this day there are times that I want my mommy. I know goofy right,, but they way my mother suffers before she died really made me turn my back on God. I thought how can a God that is supposed to be mighty and good let my mother suffer the way she did.
First came the kidney disease along with dialysis 3-4x a week 5hrs a day,, then the heart problem with clogging arterys she had 11 stints out in over course of 2-3yrs,, then had a stroke that paralyzed the whole left side of her body, she wound up in a wheelchair after that. She still had to do dialysis and after each session she had to get weighed, one day she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t wanna do the scale but they kinda forced her and she fell and broke the leg that was paralyzed. When they put a cast on it they didn’t notice a cut on her calf,, anyway it got gangrene and they had to amputate from above knee,, three months later her paralyzed arm got the same thing and she had that amputated above elbow. Then they figure out that she has diabetes 2 ,, it got a little much for my stepfather to handle ( what a great man he is) I’ll talk about him later. So she’s in a full time nursing home just as sick as you can be and half her body is cut off,, but she still kept her humor the whole time laughing and joking around with me still. In one visit ( I went 2x a day) she told me the doctors wanted to actually amputate her other leg. I just blanked out and said to her “ mom are you nuts or something, what are you gonna do let em hack you apart until Your a head in a bed” then asked her what are you holding on for,, all yours children are married and on their own and doing fine. You did your job and it’s ok to stop fighting and being miserable,, it’s ok to go we’re all doing good
Well that day she stopped all treatment and died in pain a week later, I was standing right next to her when she took her last breath and screamed out “ Jesus make the pain go away then one more little sigh and she was gone
I blamed myself for her dying it was like I gave her permission to die and carried that for 10 yrs before my therapist made me realize it wasn’t my fault. But I still remained so angry at God for making her suffer the way she did , she was a god loving good person that did nothing but good and he took that away from me. She was only 56 when she died
Next I’ll tell you about my Stepfather (who is still a part of my life) and my 2 Brothers one of Whitehall
I’d like to tell you about my stepfather,, he is a great man that I will always love and be a part of his life,, I consider him to be my children’s grandfather as I never let them meet my real father,, Fred stuck by my moms side through everything, not only that but he took on the responsibility of 3 teenage kids that were out of control and did so with love and understanding,, I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him but he maned you and did it,, he is very much apart of my life still even though he remarried to another lady who is as awesome as he is, and she doesn’t mind sharing him on holidays and always comes along with him on visits to my house. My kids love him tons and call him grandpa hick as he is very country , big belt buckle and all lol
I will never forget how much he loved my mom and all the things he sacrificed to make her as happy as possible during her crumbling health into death,, he was there every second till the end. I love you Freddy Lee KRAHN you’ll always be family to me
I’ll talk about my brothers later
When I got out I was on parole for a year and part of it was I had to go to AA meetings every day,, I didn’t mind because it was like a tinder before there was tinder,, I hooked up so many times because the women had nothing else to do because they stopped drinking but kept making bad decisions,, I’m shocked I didn’t get any STDs came out clean as a whistle lol I also was dating my parole officer which made things easy on me and as soon as parole was over I never called her again (she was 44 I was 21)
So after all that I moved up north with my cousin and met the most awesome girl ever and fell in love,, but I still didn’t know how to be a good boyfriend and was ******* everything that walked by and said ok let’s do it, hey I’m a guy,, so let’s go baby. She got sick of my screwing around and dumped me after year n half(shocked lasted that long)
Well I was actually crushed even though it was my falt for being such a pig and I knew it but didn’t care as long as I was getting some. After the breakup I went into a drug bundle that lasted another two years
I felt that was only thing that loved me was,,,,drugs n booze oh my,,,,Till one day I got arrested for
Drunk driving
No insurance
No registration
The plates on car were stolen from a car in parking lot of some supermarket
And a bottle of whiskey half gone
Well next morning I woke up at home( have no idea how I got there) with a stack of charges thick as a phone book,, I decide I gotta go so I called a buddy In Utah and went to stay with him for awhile to let things settle down. Big mistake as Utah was like a candy store for me
I’ll take a break here n continue my story later
Much love my reef peeps/ thank you for letting me babble on about my horrible first half of life,, it gets lots better soon
So I wanna backtrack a little and tell you about my mother,, I loved her so much she was my rock,, probably because she protected me from a bunch of beatings by laying across me while my father was whipping me ( was only way to make him stop) and no matter how much trouble I got in school she loved me even harder Mom was only person to make me feel safe and loved. She had awesome sense of humor and I’m sure is the one that put the love of the ocean in me, boy she loved to swim and bodysurf for hours with me,, those were great times I miss her so much, and to this day there are times that I want my mommy. I know goofy right,, but they way my mother suffers before she died really made me turn my back on God. I thought how can a God that is supposed to be mighty and good let my mother suffer the way she did.
First came the kidney disease along with dialysis 3-4x a week 5hrs a day,, then the heart problem with clogging arterys she had 11 stints out in over course of 2-3yrs,, then had a stroke that paralyzed the whole left side of her body, she wound up in a wheelchair after that. She still had to do dialysis and after each session she had to get weighed, one day she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t wanna do the scale but they kinda forced her and she fell and broke the leg that was paralyzed. When they put a cast on it they didn’t notice a cut on her calf,, anyway it got gangrene and they had to amputate from above knee,, three months later her paralyzed arm got the same thing and she had that amputated above elbow. Then they figure out that she has diabetes 2 ,, it got a little much for my stepfather to handle ( what a great man he is) I’ll talk about him later. So she’s in a full time nursing home just as sick as you can be and half her body is cut off,, but she still kept her humor the whole time laughing and joking around with me still. In one visit ( I went 2x a day) she told me the doctors wanted to actually amputate her other leg. I just blanked out and said to her “ mom are you nuts or something, what are you gonna do let em hack you apart until Your a head in a bed” then asked her what are you holding on for,, all yours children are married and on their own and doing fine. You did your job and it’s ok to stop fighting and being miserable,, it’s ok to go we’re all doing good
Well that day she stopped all treatment and died in pain a week later, I was standing right next to her when she took her last breath and screamed out “ Jesus make the pain go away then one more little sigh and she was gone
I blamed myself for her dying it was like I gave her permission to die and carried that for 10 yrs before my therapist made me realize it wasn’t my fault. But I still remained so angry at God for making her suffer the way she did , she was a god loving good person that did nothing but good and he took that away from me. She was only 56 when she died
Next I’ll tell you about my Stepfather (who is still a part of my life) and my 2 Brothers one of Whitehall
I’d like to tell you about my stepfather,, he is a great man that I will always love and be a part of his life,, I consider him to be my children’s grandfather as I never let them meet my real father,, Fred stuck by my moms side through everything, not only that but he took on the responsibility of 3 teenage kids that were out of control and did so with love and understanding,, I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him but he maned you and did it,, he is very much apart of my life still even though he remarried to another lady who is as awesome as he is, and she doesn’t mind sharing him on holidays and always comes along with him on visits to my house. My kids love him tons and call him grandpa hick as he is very country , big belt buckle and all lol
I will never forget how much he loved my mom and all the things he sacrificed to make her as happy as possible during her crumbling health into death,, he was there every second till the end. I love you Freddy Lee KRAHN you’ll always be family to me
I’ll talk about my brothers later
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Thanks she was
There’s lot more to story hoping will be able to get it moved,,, Diana A did a great job getting this much over to this site
So today I’m gonna talk little about my brothers,,I have 2 my older brother is only 13 months older than me, they called us Irish twins but that always confused me because we’re Polish Italian,,, and my younger brother was 8yrs behind me. Now that I think about it my little brother had it harder than me, he had no real father figure even though Fread (stepfather) tried to fill that hole, and when he was only 8 I was 16 and off the deep end and my older brother wasn’t really around much (we lived different lives) so Brett had no guidance growing up. My older brother Tom married early in life and started his own family, so he really didn’t take interest in my life or Bretts We always we’re at odds with each other for longest time before we realized later in life that each other was all we got and tried repairing our relationship. At my older brothers daughters wedding Me and Brett had the biggest fight in our lives I was so tired of his Drinking,, he drank Jameson whiskey like water and the very last words I said to him was
“ your an f idiot that’s gonna die drunk and alone””. Three months later he put a shotgun in his mouth and blew top of his head off. I’ll never forgive myself for not being able to help him and the last words I said to him will be with me forever. I’m trying to forgive myself but so far no luck I still carry it with me.
As for my older brother we are closer now and trying hard to repair our relationship for the better
Here’s a pic of me and my older brother and a pic of my younger brother Also all us together not sure of age we were
I came across a picture of me from the Army
Age 16
Back to my babbling story ,, I believe I left off talking about my brothers and also the fact I ran away to Utah. I was staying with a friend and his wife in a house and had my own room , my friend worked overnight shift and I was left alone with his wife (big mistake) one night after getting drunk with her I decided to take a shower and when I got out and went to my room she was in there butt naked and well ,, I’m a guy,, so I’m sure you can guess where this is going so I’ll stop here to keep it as close to PG as I can. I was out there 6 months total and kept up extra affair with my buddy’s wife. I know I was a pig,, but I was young dumb and full of ———- well one of my good friends back in Jersey was getting married and I was part of wedding party (his side) and that’s where I met my wife. She was on brides side of wedding I’ll never forget when I saw her the first time ,, I was trying to be the player I was and said to her “ hey sweetie nice tan lines maybe later I’ll see the rest” she looked at me and said “ go away pig I know who you are”” Boy talk about being shot down. Little did I know at the time she was the one that was gonna save me and change my life 180 degrees for the better
Still a little heart ache to tell ,, but that will be later on. Trying to figure out how to tell the story of when my son died in my arms. I can’t even think about without breaking down. But it will make you cry when I do tell that part.
So now I’ve met my future wife but didn’t know it then. I was still pretty much wide open and partying doing every drug I could get my hands on (never saw heroine ever in person to this day) was afraid I’d like it. So anyway we start dating because she realized I’m a hottie (lol) but seriously she saw the scared little boy under the the tough shut off exterior I had put out there. We got married a year later. I’ve already told you all about Vegas and Elvis. So here I am 26 and Married I was in a world I didn’t know and actually scared of it. It’s funny because nobody gave us 6 months to last and here we are 26yrs later and I still love her as much as I did back then. She saved my life from a miserable ending.
So you would think all is well now,, couldn’t be further from the truth. Three yrs into our marriagemy wife got pregnant (thanks to grey goose and tequila) and I was stoked and scared at same time. I always wondered if I was gonna be like my piece of crap father, and the thought of my child hating me the way I hate my father chilled my insides ,, so6-7 months in to her pregnancy she went for routine checkup and the doctor took on look and put her in the hospital
The problem was my wife had a weak cervex ( think I broke it wink wink) anyway it couldn’t hold the weight of the baby and water bag and the baby started coming out ,, he was sooo tiny 15 inches 11 oz that’s it The doctors said they can put him in NICU UNIT but the chances were very high he would be extremely handicapped physically and mentally, my wife was so upset she didn’t even wanna see or hold my son so I took him into another room and spent 7hrs holding him to my chest tightly and telling him that his mom is a catholic teacher and dad is a professional wrestler, also told him big boobs were better than little ones ,, the nurses gave me a dirty look and I said hey he’s a guy he needs to know. Lol. Well hour later he was ice cold and gone
I wanted a son my whole life but he was taken away from me and there was nothing I could do to save him I’ve never felt so helpless and worthless at the same time as I held him while he died and there was nothing I could do to help him absolutely powerless. This made my relationship with God even worse. Was so angry that he stripped me of my son. Don’t get me wrong I love both my daughters very very much and couldn’t imagine life without them. Buy I think every guy wants a son to raise like a man
I can see this scene over and over again in my head like it was yesterday.
It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt, not even all those beatings came close to the mental anguish I had and still have to this day All this happened 23yrs ago and I see it in my head clearly
By far the most painful time in my life plus made my relationship with God even worse and I fell into a drug coma trying to kill the pain
There’s more but I gotta stop because this was hard to share I never talk about the darkest day of my life. Thanks again for letting me babble on
Much love
So I left off with my son dying in my arms. You would think it ends there but it does not,, so my wife was a wreck after our loss and I was really worried, but months later she got pregnant again and it was tough. Since she had a weak cervix the lady doctor went all up in there and sewed it shut (blocking’s any further access or entry) bad for me uggh. Then put her on 23.5 -7 bed rest, she was only allowed 3 bathroom trips a day , so make em count, showers only 2x a week and no longer than 3 minutes per shower ,, rest of her time was bed rest( so glad she didn’t get fat) I did everything in the house you could think of cleaning cooking food shopping paying bills etc etc , plus I was just starting my wrestling career. Uggh rough times , but mostly a blur since I threw myself into a 24-7 drug coma and was basically a functioning zombie. When my daughter was born she was a little early but very healthy and was allowed to come home with us right away( not my second kid) I’ll get to that. My wife was worried about our pitbull and how it would react to a new baby all I did was bring my daughter in through the front door I placed her on the floor in the living room and my dog came over sniffed her a bunch gave her a big lick and then laid down almost on top of her and was very very protective it made my wife extremely happy and gave her peace of mind
So now I was free from my duties at home I’ve been Mr. belvedere for too long and then I was off to the races W all kinds of things I should not have been doing as a new father as I look back at it I’m almost ashamed of myself for some of the things I’ve done but in retrospect it made me who I am today I’m gonna stop here and N continue with the birth of my second daughter
reefsandrotts
NJRC Member
Sorry for your loses,
I lost both my parents and felt the same way about god.
I came to find out it made me stronger and in ways a better person as weird as that sounds...
I lost both my parents and felt the same way about god.
I came to find out it made me stronger and in ways a better person as weird as that sounds...
Thank you for your kind words, I’m also sorry to hear you went through the same thing losing your parents, much love and respect brother
Ok so now 5 years later my wife gets pregnant again ( we were very happy) and my wrestling career was taking off and I was on tv for ECW, during these times I’m traveling all over the United States most of the time, all along just partying and doing lots of painkillers and cocaine plus steroids etc etc ,, then my wife informs me that she has to do the stitch again. OMG I thought what the heck,, so I have to take a four n half months off to be me. Belvedere again but this time with a 4yr old My life was about to start changing and I didn’t know it. Well my second daughter was still born to early (3 months) she was frail but this time we opted to do the incubator in the NICU unit. My little baby was so tiny n frail and almost died twice but god gave us a break and gave her back. We didn’t even get to hold or touch her for first two months. Again I was angry at God for doing this to me as if I hadn’t suffered enough in my life, I mean how much crap can one person take before wanting to hang himself. Rebecca spent 3.5 months in the hospital before we could finally take her home. The hospital bill came to 1.3 million dollars, all we paid was a 10 dollar co pay and wife’s insurance covered everything from the first doctor visit
My wife is a catholic school teacher and has the best insurance thru the church , thank god or I’d still be paying for my kid. I call her my million dollar miracle
So that’s the story of my children coming into my life and it had an effect on how I thought all sudden I wasn’t angry as much as usual
But I still was a crappy husband which I’m ashamed of today but dang I had fun more than a guy should have in a lifetime
More to come and it gets much better finally and it only took me into my mid forty’s to have a clue
Much love ( is anyone following my babbling story
Back to my saga,, so now I have two daughters Ann’s my wrestling career is taking off and I’m on TV weekly (so awesome) and I’m traveling all over with the company ( traveling circus) and I’m missing holidays, birthdays, first steps , first day school etc etc. But I’m ok with it as long as wife is happy. Things in my life are getting better and I’m living my childhood dream of being a Professional Wrestler,, but I still got my demons in my head,, so I push them down and pile as much drugs as I can to help keep them buried. I wish I could say I’m a good husband but I cannot I’ve done things that I’m ashamed of now as I look back, and would never blame my wife if she threw me out ( she did once for a month) but by the grace of GOD and my wife’s forgiveness and understanding I’m still with my family. I always thought of my self as a crappie husband but a great dad ,, at least I thought so until I realized even though I was there I really wasn’t because I was soooo high all the time and in a fog. Or I was recovering from an injury or operation of some sort to many to count, as I beat the Haeckel out of myself. A lot from this point up until 2013 is pretty much xxx rated and this is a PG site so I’ll skip a few minor Discretions and I’ll jump to 2013 next. It’s when I start realizing I need a higher power to cope with my DEMONS
So here it is 2012-2013 and I’m retired from wrestling career while I can still walk and tie my shoes. I went stright back to my ocean and bought my very own commercial fishing boat , she was sweet I named her GIMMICK which is a wrestling word used a lot and could mean just about anything but mostly referred to drugs, as in “ yo brother got any Gimmicks “ plus it’s a fun word to say.
I realized that now that I’m a fishing boat captain and I have the lives of two people in my hands that have wives n children there is no way I can be all scrambled up in pills n powder, something had to change
This is when it gets bad for me because I just quit cold turkey and went thru the detox from hell
Just so you have a little idea what the doctors do to us I’ll give you a quick summary of what they gave me on a monthly basis
First it just started with Vicodin 5s then when that didn’t work anymore it went to 10s,, well after a while they didn’t work so on to Percocet
first the 5s then the 10s (getting 150 pills a month) and that didn’t include the crap I bought on the black market. Well they stopped being effective and on to Rockycodone first the 15s then on to the 30s I was doing 20-30 pills a day just to be numb and not feel the pain I was in from my list of injuries. And of course a crap load of Xanax to help me sleep. Even all that stopped working on me then all sudden I was given liquid morphine and a bunch of needles and told “ just hit yourself when you need it” and that was for two years. I used to have a big crystal bowl in my bedroom that was half full of an assortment of pills (looked like bowl of jellybeans) and I was resuplied all these meds on a monthly basis for 13years
So now that you have slight idea of what I was on you can imagine how bad my detox was.
I spent a month in bed crying, sweating, shaking, even crapped myself couple times, it was a dark time for me I was so miserable I wanted to die,, then I remember my two daughters came in my room and basically nursed me like a baby,, that made me feel worthless at the time , I felt like the worst father ever and wanted to die. Then one day when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore I remember screaming at the top of my lungs to God “WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH AND GAVE ME A MISERABLE LIFE “ I cried for half that day and fell into o comma type sleep for two days
When I woke up I smelled bad but felt ok all sudden,, I was able to drag my butt into the shower and it felt like the best cleansing I’ve ever felt, and for some reason I wasn’t angry
I was walking down memory lane and came across a picture that kinda put a chill in my spine. It’s a picture of Bam Bam Bigelow, Chris Candido and myself in locker at Madison Square Garden. I’m the only one in this picture that is still alive. We were always together everywhere we went, total Jersey boys, the three beachateers.
Chris died in 2005 from a blood clot in his leg, he broke his ankle on a pay period view show on a Sunday night. Had surgery on Monday morning,, this all happened in Florida, on Tuesday he wanted to go home so on Tuesday night he flew home. Nobody warned him not to fly because it’s dangerous after having surgery. As he was flying home he wasn’t feeling well , by time he landed in Newark he felt real sick but wasn’t sure why. Chris was home for maybe two or three hours when he started feeling real bad and had his girl take him to hospital. This is around 9-10 pm ,, at 1am I get a call from Tammy (sunny) and she’s crying so much I couldn’t understand what she was saying, I had her say it again ,, when I finally realized what she was saying I just froze and dropped the phone , within seconds I collapsed on the floor in shock. I had talked to him Monday night and all sudden he’s dead and out of my life forever. I miss him a lot especially if I hear the song Back In Black by AC/DC, it’s the song he came out to the ring to, and every time I hear it I usually get tears up by mid song because I just picture all the great matches we had and double the fun we had traveling around like circus monkeys. Chris was only 35 when he left this life and to me it’s been a little darker since he’s been gone. We had a big BROMANCE as my wife always said
I’ll tell you about Bam Bam ( Scotty) tomorrow
Chris is the blonde headed guy in pic in case you didn’t know
Attachments
Ok so back to my little story, so I’m a fishing boat captain and I’m basically sober no pills or cocaine and I haven’t been drunk in 15 years so doing ok so far,, at least I thought so. Being out in ocean can be tough on your mental health because you can spend days in the wheelhouse with nothing but your thoughts. And I just kept wondering if I was was just going thru the motions in life letting people think that I was ok,, I wasn’t. Even though I beat the drug demons I had no control of the pain and anger I still felt from my past. It totally crippled my insides so bad that I would go out on deck in middle of the night by myself and cry maybe let out a scream or 2,, I’m not sure what bothered me more ,, the feeling sad and crying,,, or the fact that I was in my mid forties and had daddy issues , I mean I’m suitors be a grown man. big professional wrestler, and the captain of a fishing boat. Like how would it look if the crew saw me like that I’m sure they’d lose respect for me as a Man, because we’re not allowed to have emotions or feelings and if we do we’re expected to suck it up and be a man. Well that’s what I’ve been doing for a long long time. And my pain consumed me so much I was basically absent from my family’s life most of the time, don’t get me wrong I was there physically but my mind was never there and I spent any time at home in a fog staring at the TV waiting for the next opportunity to leave and go in ocean. I love my family more than anything in the world and there I was ignoring them and everything around me. This totally made me feel like a worthless father and husband, I began to think that everything my father said to me was right. I fell into a deep depression that was like a black hole and I couldn’t find my way out. Nobody knew the pain and conflict going on in my head, so nobody ever asked me if I was ok. I’m very good at hiding my feelings ( until now) and acting like everything is ok.
That’s the way it was in my head for a few more years of me being there but not really there. I’m sure my children noticed because by this time their old enough to realize something is little off with dad, but still nobody ever asked
Things stayed this way until November of 2019, that’s when things got a little darker before it got better but what I went through in November ( was actually my 52nd birthday) was such a deep breakthrough of a suppressed memory Thur it bought me to me knees and had me shaking for hours. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with,, besides the death of my son,,
I’m gonna write about it in next entry ,, I’m just trying to work up the courage to get it out. It changed my life for the better I believe,, but I had to experience the pain first so I could begin healing. Much love peeps
This is gonna be last part of my babbling story.
So it’s my birthday 2019, and I had a deep therapy session that afternoon,, well it wasn’t what I expected, fast forward a little bit and about an hour in all sudden I get a flashback of something I buried deep deep down in my memory. You see we were talking about pain n loss going on in my life and I remember saying ,, I’ve never felt this low and feel this kinda pain My therapist ask if I could ever recall feeling this way,, I start thinking real hard , flipping through moments in my life that were dark,, all sudden I’m in tears and trembling uncontrollably with shame n guilt as I had a repressed memory come straight to the surface. It was clear as day
I remember when I was 8 hrs old I was molested by the neighbors older kid, and when I told my father he , ( wow this is hard),, Beat the living **** out of me because he said I was lying. He thought I was just saying that to get the kid in trouble and didn’t believe me or even follow up n confront the neighbors,, it was the 70’s n all crap like that got swept under the rug, and nobody ever talked about it,, forget PSAs was no such thing really. The part that hurt worse than the beating or the fact I was molested was I had no one to turn to or talk to and had to live with the shame for my whole life, I think it’s part of the reason I started getting Tattoos so early ( first one at age 13) and by time I was in 8th grade I had 11 Tats already. All of em big n scary and thought of as satanic at the time,, it was my way of letting people know to stay away from me or get physically hurt. It was a total mask because on the inside I was a scared little boy ,, but could not let anyone see my weakness, and I just got more n more ink (47-49) tattoos in all I have. Maybe more
So that was my birthday last year all this came to a head
But I’m glad it did because somehow it released me from the demons that controlled my mind n thoughts ( I was nice on the outside n smiled ) but in my mind there was nothing but pain n hate. Even though I had been married a long time up to this point and had grown children, I still carried it around with me and it was a blockade to my internal happiness
But the flood gates opened it all came out and now I’m healing more n more every day.
Ok so let me explain how the forum has helped me in my healing process,, I had joined R2R about a month after my breakthrough at therapy and I just emerged myself into my seahorse addiction, I was searching for a seahorse chat website and I was bought to R2R seahorse forum. This is where I started learning about reefing for the first time. The one thing I didn’t expect was how awesome this website is and how it accepted me with open arms. I soon began to realize that the peeps here are very helpful and generous,, I read all the great things that all the reefers did for each other and how God played a big part of it, it got me thinking of the fact there was good people in the world still and it touched my heart and mind in a way that I never thought I could feel in my heart. It made me wanna become the person that I knew was inside of me,, one day I was trolling the site and came across a thread where a couple of peeps helped a fellow reefer with some equipment he needed,, as a joke I posted that my light broke and I couldn’t afford another one so if anyone wanted to send me one it would be cool, lol,,, I thought it was clear I was being funny as I never expect anything for free,, anyway I member pm’d me and asked for my address stating he would like to buy me a brand new light that cost over hundred dollars,, I told him that is a very very nice offer but I couldn’t possibly accept something for free when so many other people have much more serious problems than a aquarium light that doesn’t work,, well this person insisted that I accept the light and open myself to be able to embrace others help and not feel guilty about it. It took me a week to finally break down after talking it over with my wife (she knows how I am) and she reminded me of all the charity I did as a professional wrestler always giving my time and sometimes money to help others, so it’s ok to receive some help when needed and offered. Well I gave in and PM’d this person my address and a week later I had a brand new light for my tank
I told myself at that moment that I would spend my life ,, PAYING IT FORWARD,, and I’ve kept true to that, I myself have given thousands of dollars worth of equipment and live stock away for no charge, everything was Free to my fellow reefers as I reminded myself of the generosity of that one stranger/ now a close friend/. It all starts with one Random Act Of Kindness then snowballs from there
NJRC in which I’ve met so many awesome people and made bunch of new friends, and I feel I should give them a shoutout with lots of love and respect. Their also a big part of my healing
So here we are today and I’m still trying to better myself keeping in mind that first person that reached out to me ,, wish I could tell you who it is but they want to remain Anonymous
Well thank you to anyone that has followed along and shared their stories or just gave me words of encouragement God Bless
Much much love and respect
That’s the way it was in my head for a few more years of me being there but not really there. I’m sure my children noticed because by this time their old enough to realize something is little off with dad, but still nobody ever asked
Things stayed this way until November of 2019, that’s when things got a little darker before it got better but what I went through in November ( was actually my 52nd birthday) was such a deep breakthrough of a suppressed memory Thur it bought me to me knees and had me shaking for hours. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with,, besides the death of my son,,
I’m gonna write about it in next entry ,, I’m just trying to work up the courage to get it out. It changed my life for the better I believe,, but I had to experience the pain first so I could begin healing. Much love peeps
This is gonna be last part of my babbling story.
So it’s my birthday 2019, and I had a deep therapy session that afternoon,, well it wasn’t what I expected, fast forward a little bit and about an hour in all sudden I get a flashback of something I buried deep deep down in my memory. You see we were talking about pain n loss going on in my life and I remember saying ,, I’ve never felt this low and feel this kinda pain My therapist ask if I could ever recall feeling this way,, I start thinking real hard , flipping through moments in my life that were dark,, all sudden I’m in tears and trembling uncontrollably with shame n guilt as I had a repressed memory come straight to the surface. It was clear as day
I remember when I was 8 hrs old I was molested by the neighbors older kid, and when I told my father he , ( wow this is hard),, Beat the living **** out of me because he said I was lying. He thought I was just saying that to get the kid in trouble and didn’t believe me or even follow up n confront the neighbors,, it was the 70’s n all crap like that got swept under the rug, and nobody ever talked about it,, forget PSAs was no such thing really. The part that hurt worse than the beating or the fact I was molested was I had no one to turn to or talk to and had to live with the shame for my whole life, I think it’s part of the reason I started getting Tattoos so early ( first one at age 13) and by time I was in 8th grade I had 11 Tats already. All of em big n scary and thought of as satanic at the time,, it was my way of letting people know to stay away from me or get physically hurt. It was a total mask because on the inside I was a scared little boy ,, but could not let anyone see my weakness, and I just got more n more ink (47-49) tattoos in all I have. Maybe more
So that was my birthday last year all this came to a head
But I’m glad it did because somehow it released me from the demons that controlled my mind n thoughts ( I was nice on the outside n smiled ) but in my mind there was nothing but pain n hate. Even though I had been married a long time up to this point and had grown children, I still carried it around with me and it was a blockade to my internal happiness
But the flood gates opened it all came out and now I’m healing more n more every day.
Ok so let me explain how the forum has helped me in my healing process,, I had joined R2R about a month after my breakthrough at therapy and I just emerged myself into my seahorse addiction, I was searching for a seahorse chat website and I was bought to R2R seahorse forum. This is where I started learning about reefing for the first time. The one thing I didn’t expect was how awesome this website is and how it accepted me with open arms. I soon began to realize that the peeps here are very helpful and generous,, I read all the great things that all the reefers did for each other and how God played a big part of it, it got me thinking of the fact there was good people in the world still and it touched my heart and mind in a way that I never thought I could feel in my heart. It made me wanna become the person that I knew was inside of me,, one day I was trolling the site and came across a thread where a couple of peeps helped a fellow reefer with some equipment he needed,, as a joke I posted that my light broke and I couldn’t afford another one so if anyone wanted to send me one it would be cool, lol,,, I thought it was clear I was being funny as I never expect anything for free,, anyway I member pm’d me and asked for my address stating he would like to buy me a brand new light that cost over hundred dollars,, I told him that is a very very nice offer but I couldn’t possibly accept something for free when so many other people have much more serious problems than a aquarium light that doesn’t work,, well this person insisted that I accept the light and open myself to be able to embrace others help and not feel guilty about it. It took me a week to finally break down after talking it over with my wife (she knows how I am) and she reminded me of all the charity I did as a professional wrestler always giving my time and sometimes money to help others, so it’s ok to receive some help when needed and offered. Well I gave in and PM’d this person my address and a week later I had a brand new light for my tank
I told myself at that moment that I would spend my life ,, PAYING IT FORWARD,, and I’ve kept true to that, I myself have given thousands of dollars worth of equipment and live stock away for no charge, everything was Free to my fellow reefers as I reminded myself of the generosity of that one stranger/ now a close friend/. It all starts with one Random Act Of Kindness then snowballs from there
NJRC in which I’ve met so many awesome people and made bunch of new friends, and I feel I should give them a shoutout with lots of love and respect. Their also a big part of my healing
So here we are today and I’m still trying to better myself keeping in mind that first person that reached out to me ,, wish I could tell you who it is but they want to remain Anonymous
Well thank you to anyone that has followed along and shared their stories or just gave me words of encouragement God Bless
Much much love and respect